Random Shit: Mashed Fucking potatoes

So... I'm working on making Osso Bucco palatable for you cultureless fucks. And it occurs to me that a critical ingredient -- Garlic Mashed Potatoes -- is probably beyond your neanderthal-esque cognitive abilites. So let me break this shit down for you:

Drag your fat ass to the store (really, any store will do, 'cause this shit ain't hard or obscure), and buy:

4-6 good sized russet potatoes.
1 pkg unsalted butter (you heathen cock-munch)
a bulb of garlic, if you don't have any in your house.
Some type of arrangement whereby fresh water is pumped into your living space.

Ok. Got that shit? I should hope so, because already I'm embarrassed to know you. And away we go:

1. Boil the fucking potatoes and mince that garlic.
This step shouldn't be hard. Peel the potatoes (fuck, you can leave the skins on for all I care) and turn the dial under a full pot of water to "Light", then "Hi". Now dump a pinch of salt in the water and wait for it to boil. Now put the potatoes in, you fucking paedophile.
2. Wait for the potatoes to finish cooking.
This is easy, too. Assume ~1 hour for peeled potatoes. If you're impatient, stick a fucking fork in them to check their status. If the fork goes in easy, like the potato is a clueless undergrad, CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS, you've avoided a sexual assault charge by sticking your phallic substitute into a potato, rather than an underaged girl/boy. If the fork doesn't fulfill your needs, wait 15 minutes and try again. Also, please let the middle school lady out of the basement.
Also: While you're waiting for your sad life to boil over, mince the garlic and sautee it in preperation for step 3. Put the sauteed garlic in with the butter. Asshole.
3. Once the potatos are done: Fucking butter and cream that shit.
Don't fuck around. Put a solid tablespoon of butter, and a sold 1/2 - 1 cup of heavy cream in the potatoes, along with plenty of salt. "Oh no, but I'm on a diet!" Well, then go to hardee's, buy a plain baked potato, and eat it with no condiments. No? That sucks? Well, welcome to the rest of your life, A-Queen. Seriously, though: Salt and Pepper the potatoes, put in butter and cream, and stir until it is light and fluffy. Put more butter/cream in if you have flaky potatoes -- the goal is light and fluffy-ness. If you're not into that, fine, just don't call me when the virginia cops put you in the hole for touching your mother inappropriately.

Cheers,
Eric